(1) Domestic Violence has many forms, controlling, physical, sexual, image based, emotional or psychological, verbal, social & spiritual.

Which form / forms were you a victim of?

Controlling, emotional, social

(2) How long were you in that relationship (less than one year, less than three years, less than five years or more than five years).

20 plus years .

(3) In the beginning, how was your situation when you two first got together?

We were just young. He was thoughtful most of the time, but there were alot of lies from the beginning. Things progressed in a bad way over time.

(4) Did your partner show any potential warning signs/red flags early in your relationship? Do you have any examples of earlier behavior that became true later?  

If anyone else looked at me, he would claim me as his, as though I was an object. He had to control every situation. He had to lie to cover up lies. When he got mad, he gave me the silent treatment for a week or two at a time. He would call me if I was 5 minutes late getting home from work.

(5) Small things seem to trigger the abuser to get them to react, say things, or do things. What are some of the things you remember?

Whenever he didn't get his way he would get triggered. In the later years I went to counseling to try to figure out what I was going to do. When he knew I was going to the counselor, that would trigger him as well.

(6) Often abusers are unwilling to understand why you're unhappy or will tell you that it doesn't matter. Can you describe an incident where your happiness didn't matter, only theirs?

His happiness was always his priority. If he wanted to do something he did it. No matter if it was expensive, or if it was a trip he wanted to go on. He always did what he wanted to do, no matter what my opinion was.

(7) One of the traits of domestic abuse is isolation. Did you ever feel isolated from your friends, family, colleagues?

Yes. I quit my job to be a stay at home mom. Once I did that, I lost contact with the outside world. I was so busy taking care of the household, that he would basically speak on my behalf to my own family. It felt like it was just me and my kids, alone. It got to the point where I got nervous when the phone would ring, knowing that I would have to actually talk to someone. I felt like the loneliest married person in the world.

(8) Where any of your friends, family or colleagues aware of what was going on or if not, how did you hide it?

I think most everyone knew what was going on once they were around us for awhile. They could tell what his priorities were, and how he treated me. Most people didn't want to get involved, or just thought we were happy with it this way because we seemed that way on the exterior.

(9) How did that make you feel pulling away from the people who cared about you?

I hated it and felt guilty about it, but I was really focused on my kids, and that's what kept me going.

(10) Another trait is the blame game where you get blamed for their actions. Did that occur in your situation and can you elaborate?

I was blamed for everything, one way or the other. No matter what effort I put in, it wasn't good enough for him. Over time, I got tired of trying to make things work because he was never satisfied. It was all about him. Whatever he was looking for, he looked outside the relationship, and that's when things got worse and worse.

(11) Spoken words can do just as much if not more damage as physical as it can linger just as along as any bodily injury. When you hear those words coming from someone who "supposedly" cares about you , how did you feel?

I felt betrayed because the one person who was supposed to stick up for me and have my back, didn't.

(12) One of the words that I have heard describing a domestic violence relationship is chaos. What comes to mind about your situation when you hear that word?

The whole relationship was chaos. There was always something going on and there were always lies to cover up.

(13) What is the biggest challenge/situation you have had to overcome in the relationship and how did you deal with it?

 I was rarely the only woman in his life. I thought that he would grow out of that and want to fight to keep his family together, but I was wrong.

(14) Was there ever a time when something happened where you feared your life?

No, but I think things could have progressed to be more physical since I knew he had gotten that way before.

(15) It takes an enormous amount of courage to make the decision to get out of that situation. What was the final incident that made you decide enough was enough?

When we went on a trip to celebrate our 10 year anniversary and I found out when we got back that he had been texting girlfriends from high school that he recently got re-aquainted with. It took 6 years after that before I could make the move because at the time I had no job, no money, and no bank account of my own.

(16) The very first day you were finally away from the abuser , what was that feeling like?

It was like a huge weight had been lifted, however it was hard because I was worried about the kids, but I was hopeful that they would adapt.

(17) Once you finally got out of the relationship, one of the hardest things to do is decompress/relax. How long did it take you to finally find peace with your decision?

I found peace right away. It did take some time to realize that it is ok to find time for yourself on a regular basis, and it is actually very needed and important.

(18) Now that you are out of that relationship , what activities have you started to do again?

Happy hours, and trips! 

(19) You are a stronger person today than you were in your previous relationship .What is the one thing that you have noticed about yourself that has changed?

I make sure to stick up for myself more in situations. I have a voice now. I have a low tolerance for bullying and I don't want to be around people who do that. My circle is very small.

(20) What is the one thing you would like for others to take from this?

Don't feel like it is a situation that you need to stay in because you are trapped. Things will work themselves out, and you will see the signs of when it is time to make a change.

This is the first of a three part series . Part three hits Oct 20th,2025

If you are a victim of Domestic Violence please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800.799.(SAFE)7233 or text 88788 for 24 hour help .